Bittersweet Heartsongs

My rants and raves about the World

Pen Pals

Filed under: Happiness/Love,Hobbies — Artchic528 at 10:28 pm on Monday, August 29, 2016

I’ve never had an actual “pen pal” in my lifetime, though I’ve written snail mail to many of my relatives and past friends. I thought it would be oodles of fun, and a welcome distraction from the every day dullness that surrounds my life if I were to get one for the first time.

So, I went onto Ravelry, the go to Fiber Arts community site, to seek one out. I wanted a pen pal who shared my love of knitting, so that’s why I started there. I found a user group that was all about pen pals and joined with eager anticipation. I just posted, so no one has replied as of yet, but I’ll keep you abreast of any new happenings.

I can’t wait to handwrite a letter! It’s been at least months since I last handwrote someone and sent it off via the US Mail. I’m already looking up stationary types and sets to use! This is all so exciting!!!! Yes, I’m feeling excitement about something for the first time since, well, since my last post about Crayola Crayons.

Oh, and speaking of Ravelry, I really should update my “Notebook”. I bought so much yarn and a whole set of circular needles since then. I just need to sit myself down and do it. It’s not really the most enjoyable thing, cataloging what supplies you have, but its worth it to be so very organized.

Anyways, time for me to get a move on.

TTFN

My Crayola Crayon Obsession.

Filed under: Happiness/Love,Hobbies — Artchic528 at 3:34 am on Friday, August 12, 2016

I’ve always been in love with my crayons. I can remember fondly of being excited whenever my mother bought me a new box of Crayola crayons to use at school when I was little. I couldn’t wait to get to school, sit at my desk, and pull out that box of fresh new crayons, with all their unused tips glinting in light of the many halogen bulb fueled classroom fixtures, their colorful labels yet unblemished or torn from usage. To bring that open box close to my nose, and inhale that fresh and unused crayon scent. Pure childhood ecstasy! Not to mention how wonderful it felt to pull one of those brand new, completely unused crayons from it’s place in the box, and to bring it to paper for the first time! It was an almost indescribable feeling, to be honest.

I would exclaim to my mother on the morning before going to school “I get to use my new crayons today!!” and literally be unable to contain my excitement as I prepared for the school day. I would do so as quickly as possible so I could hurry up and get to my classroom for the soul purpose of getting being able to use my new crayons. The bigger the box one would get, the more popular one would be in class. You know if you had more colors than the other kids, you’d be the one they’d all either envy in a teeth gritting silence, or walk up to, asking to use a color they didn’t have. Either way, you’d be the talk of the classroom if you got the really big box, which, in my youth, was the 64 pack of crayons. It even had a built in sharpener, albeit one which was next to unusable, in the lower back side of the box. That was the big league of crayon boxes.

Unfortunately, my mother rarely, if ever bought me that huge box. She thought it was unnecessarily indulgent for what I needed, plus, it wouldn’t really fit in my pencil box as nicely, not if I wanted some actual pens and pencils in there, that is. The biggest set she would agree to buy for me was the more modest 48 pack. Still a nice set, and it left plenty of room in my box for pencils and pens, but it just wasn’t as attention getting as the 64 pack.

Then one day, Crayola rolled out their biggest yet package, the 96 pack of crayons, and that just blew my 10 year old mind. Of course, by then, my classes no longer required crayons as part of their supply list, so Mom stopped getting them for me. I settled for simply using the collection of my old crayons I had amassed over my childhood years and was placated for a while.

It wasn’t until my mid teens when I was out shopping with my mother, that I saw that overly huge set of 96 crayons, and remembering how popular a big box of crayons made a kid in grade school, I had to have it. I asked my mother if I could have it, and she said yes. Once again I could enjoy the pleasures of a brand new box of crayons. Of course, by then, I had matured to be more gentle on my crayons, and cherished the 96 set box as if it were my baby. I stored them on a shelf in my closet when not in use, and kept the box as neat and pristine as possible. I also kept the crayons all sorted and when I did use them, I colored as softy as possible to keep the tips as long as I could.

All of this gentleness and tender care came crashing to a halt when my younger brother, of three years, came home one day and pulled the very much rumpled and dented box I worked so hard to keep so nice from out of his book bag. My crayons weren’t as I had last left them, safely in my closet. The tips of many were broken off, and some were completely snapped in two, or three places!! I was irate. I demanded he replace them, but my mother just laughed and said “They’re just a box of crayons.” Not being able to argue my point, I hung my head in defeat, and flung myself into my room to mourn my broken crayons in peace.

I don’t recall my brother ever replacing those crayons, he might have at some point, so it’s no use to demand he buy me some now. After all, this happened over 15 years ago.

After yet another hiatus of having no access to crayons, and now being able to buy crayons for the first time for myself, I naturally went to the source, Crayola.com, and bought the biggest set money could buy, the Crayola Crayon Tower, with a whopping 150 different colors, with some in metallic and glittery shades. If the 96 set of crayons made me feel good, you can only imagine how elated I felt getting my hands on the 150 box set!! The clear container it came in was even cool as it telescoped upward with a twist to make a tall tower carousel type setup from which each crayon was highly visible and nestled next to the handle is sharpener (one that is actually worthwhile) in a cool clear turquoise-green color. I still have this set, and it’s right next to me on my shelf as I type this blog entry. Here’s a picture of it.

The coolest crayon set ever from Crayola!

The coolest crayon set ever from Crayola!

Of course, Crayola later released an even bigger set, with 152 different colors in it called the “Ultimate Crayon Collection”. Naturally, I became somewhat enamored by this set as well, what with it’s promise of two more unique colors than the “Crayon Tower” I had. However, when I compared it to tower, I felt the tower had more going for it with the container itself. I just placated myself with a possible future purchase of the smaller, but still impressive, 120 crayon box so I could have those two elusive colors, and an additional 118 duplicate colors to keep me happy for a long time.

So, there ends my Crayola crayon journey. Oh, and by the way, my favorite Crayola crayon color was always “Periwinkle”, that purplish-blue crayon that seemed to stand out from the rest for me. I would always use it the least, to save it the longest. Now you know.

TTFN

Hello, long time no see!

Filed under: Happiness/Love,Uncategorized — Artchic528 at 2:57 am on Saturday, July 30, 2016

I haven’t been blogging much lately, mostly because ive been going through some deeply dark times. However, I found the light again and am following my own way back to the sunshine bit by bit.

I recently have been talking to and seeing this guy whom I will refer to as “R” to protect his anonymity. “R” and I went on our first date and I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s so sweet and polite and we really hit it off, I think. I can’t wait to see him again. The feeling of his arms around me felt so right. Who would have thought I would be so over the moon about a guy with a beard and a ponytail and who is built more like a teddy bear than a Ken doll? I really want to get to know him better.

What will the future hold for us? Who knows? Its all so exciting!

TTFN

Overcoming my past to ensure a better future!

Filed under: Anxiety,Depression/Anger — Artchic528 at 2:36 am on Tuesday, March 22, 2016

So, yeah. If you’ve been following my posts on the forums at Psych Central, you’ve no doubt read about my delving into the dating scene again. I was constantly asking myself what I was missing from my past relationships, why intimacy felt more so like I was just going through the motions just to reach some form of self satisfaction, rather than the anything meaningful or deep. Somebody was kind enough to enlighten me that I lacked a deep emotional bond, which is where my previous post came into play and why I am now making the attempt to open up more fully.

You see, growing up, bullying was rather the norm for me. I grew used to be taunted, teased and ridiculed. I could sort of let the insults go after a while, but when I reached Middle School, something changed. My fellow classmate, a girl we shall call “Maddie”, at first seemed to try and befriend me, but later on, I realized, she had been starting rumors about me throughout the school. Nasty rumors, not just about me, mind you, but about my only two friends. Apparently, as the rumor goes, the rumors spread like wildfire. Everywhere I went at school, I’d hear snickering, whispers, and be asked about the rumors in a taunting, jeering way.

Now, I know that teenage girls can be downright vicious, but what she did went beyond anything she probably realized. You see, she had been claiming things I did with my friends, rather intimate things. She, of course, had said what she did out of the sheer shock value no doubt, but little did she know I had been undergoing an internal struggle, one I had dealt since I began to not only notice the boys in school in a romantic, more attractive sense, but girls as well. I felt the feelings I was developing about boys was “normal” but not so much the feelings about girls. I was so confused about why these feelings were bubbling up inside of me. At first I tried to quell them, squash them deep down inside of me, saying that they were “not normal”, or sick or disgusting and that I should be ashamed I was having them. So, when “Maddie” started that awful rumor, she had dealt a deeper, more scarring blow.

Thanks to my grandmother, I was made to be raised in Catholicism, so yeah, those sorts of feelings were immediately equated as “bad”. I grew depressed, introverted, and distant from my peers, hoping they wouldn’t catch wind of me having these thoughts and feelings and using them as further fodder for the fire. High School wasn’t any better. I grew so isolated, I eventually just either spent my lunch period in the school’s Library not eating, or when that wasn’t an option, I grabbed a bathroom stall and ate in there.

It wasn’t until much later, when I was in my mid twenties that I decided once and for all that I didn’t care how “wrong” or “disgusting” the thoughts and feelings were, I liked them and was going to embrace them. I was finally confident enough to admit to myself that I was bisexual. I haven’t come out to my family though, and probably never will unless I wind up dating a girl at somepoint. I guess there’s no real need to explain it until then.

So, now you know a little bit more about why I’m so emotionally distant, so seemingly apathetic sometimes. Why I might act out in an aggressive way when I feel threatened. I’m trying to overcome that, and feel that in doing so, I will become more able to connect fully with a romantic partner.

Well, that’s about all for now.

TTFN

Taking down my defensive walls.

Filed under: Depression/Anger,Healing/Therapy — Artchic528 at 7:37 pm on Thursday, March 17, 2016

I have long since associated social interactions with pain, misery and a sense of general uncomfortableness. Most people my age that I interacted with in my life have either shunned me, bullied me, or taken advantage of me in some way. I would always wind up with feelings of despair and of pain, which lead to feeling angry and aggressive. It’s these feelings that prompted me to start building a protective wall, a wall made of the aggression and anger I felt. If anyone would come across as a bully, or someone who’d take advantage of me, up went my walls. Out came the anger and aggression. If I kept these people at a distance, I wouldn’t feel the pain and despair anymore. This has been going on for so long that I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have these walls. It’s been equally as long that I haven’t really made any deep emotional connections with people and grew more and more isolated. I eventually felt like I was a tiny island in an ocean of emptiness. A very lonely feeling.

Well, this year, after I decided to make some serious changes, not only in my outlook on life, but my emotional wellbeing, I decided that those walls may need to come down, at least a little bit, if I’m to make any connections with people. Maybe through lowering my walls a little bit at a time, I could find a deep and meaningful connection with somebody, and maybe make a good friend and maybe that friendship could be one that lasts a lifetime.

Okay, so I know such friendships are rare, but I’m a rare soul myself. I don’t fall into any one mental illness diagnosis. I’m more a generally mentally ill individual with a bit of this, and hint of that. I’m not any one thing in the psychological sense. I’m a blend, a combination of things that results in who I am mentally. I know that a diagnosis doesn’t define who we are, but rather is a road map to help us find a way to heal and feel better mentally in this world. I just have a really big roadmap with a lot of roads on it.

Anyways. I am a work in progress, as we all are. So bear with me. I might slip up and raise those aggressive angry walls again, but it only means I’m feeling threatened, not that I hate you.

That’s all I have to say for now, so please take care!

TTFN!!

Let It Go!!

Filed under: Healing/Therapy — Artchic528 at 11:04 pm on Thursday, February 11, 2016

Okay, so maybe that song is vastly overplayed, overused, and overcovered. However, it’s the title that I want to use in this post, as it’s about letting go of pain and such from your past that is holding you back from being a happy and healthy person.

It’s no secret that I’ve had my share of pain. To give a brief summary, I met a guy on another forum, which shall remain unnamed, and fell hard for him. He flirted with me, I flirted with him and soon we were exchanging our FB info. Anyways, long story short, I developed an unhealthy obsession over him, he got freaked and distanced himself from me, and I freaked out and wound up severely depressed. There’s also a sub-story about the group of friends we shared all getting hurt and stuff, but let’s not get into specifics.

Well, I held onto that pain, victimizing myself to such an extent that I was deeply ruminating and overanalyzing the events. I felt so much pain that I kept myself up at night doing that. I finally talked to a psychiatrist about it and they prescribed me a low dose of Melatonin. It helped, but didn’t really fix the situation completely.

It wasn’t until today that I found a link posted on the forums to an article written by DocJohn about letting go, Learning to Let Go of Past Hurts: 5 Ways to Move On. This article helped me tremendously with letting go. I was sort of skeptical it could help, but when I came to the last step, which is about forgiveness, and forgave those people, I felt such a sense of peace!! I can’t explain it. I feel….closure, for the first time! I have a very stubborn streak, and had so stubbornly denied myself this experience for so long that I almost forgot what it was like to feel this way. If you too have a hard time letting something from your past go, due to the amount of pain you feel regarding it, I highly recommend you check that article out for yourself. Follow the steps completely. I used a journal to help me through each step, writing out how I felt and experienced. It was so cathartic I can’t even begin to describe it. Please, don’t begrudgingly hold onto your pain anymore. Heal yourself and move on. It’s so worth it, I promise.

Well, that’s all I want to share with you for now.

TTFN!

Sick of being sick….

Filed under: Physical Illness — Artchic528 at 2:30 am on Monday, February 8, 2016

To anyone who reads this blog, you might have been wondering where I have been. Well, I have taken a bit of a break from this site (more on that later), and also, I’ve been physically sick, and it seems like I have been sick forever!

It all started with a scratchy throat, which turned into a fierce cold. That cold settled deep in my chest and as a result, I contracted bronchitis. I went to Urgent Care at my mother’s insistence as she was worried about my really bad cough at the time. The doctor who saw me then put me on a nebulizer machine for a few minutes to clear up my lungs and prescribed prednisone and an albuterol inhaler to help prevent the bronchitis from becoming pneumonia.

I was chugging along, feeling better each day, when I felt the virus settle in my sinuses, becoming a sinus infection. So, I dutifully took some Sudafed each day to get any comfort I could. I wanted to avoid taking antibiotics at any cost, so I treated my infection at home. Slowly but surely, the sinus infection cleared up, but the virus persisted. I soon felt my throat becoming scratchy again, then all out sore. The back of my throat grew a white bumpy coating which left my mouth tasting like I had a wad of cotton stuck in it.

So I went to the Minute Clinic at my CVS, and they ran a strep test, thinking it might be strep throat. It wasn’t, but the symptoms persisted so the Minute Clinic RN prescribed me some numbing mouthwash with lidocaine in it for the pain. It was supposed to taste like cherries, as the label indicated, but all I taste is cough syrup type flavors.

I did some research online, and found that the prednisone I was taking a while back for my bronchitis had lowered my immune system a bit, being an immune suppressing drug after all, and caused yeast cells normally present in my throat to rapidly multiply unchecked. So, I trudged back to Urgent Care asking for anti-fungal medicine. They wanted to be absolutely sure I didn’t have strep throat, so they ran another strep test, which came back negative as well. They then pulled some of my blood to see if they could detect a strep infection through my blood cell counts, but nothing was amiss. They then gave me some anti-fungal mouthwash (it tastes like bananas!) and I’ve been using it ever since.

This whole ordeal is going on 3 weeks now. I just want to be healthy again. I miss being able to taste things normally. Admittedly, that hasn’t hampered my eating habits. I’ve been eating almost regularly. Granted, I may have lost a pound here and there, but nothing significant (bummer).

So now you know one of the reasons why I haven’t been on as much, and I apologize.

TTFN

 

Feeling Underappreciated

Filed under: Depression/Anger — Artchic528 at 10:06 pm on Monday, December 21, 2015

Is it depression that makes me feel underappreciated? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am feeling it something fierce (as the native locals around where I live would say). I guess it stems from the fact that whenever I see an appreciation thread for somebody else, by a member on the forums, I get envious and angry that nobody has yet to do the same for me. I’ve been a part of this community for a little over a year and have come to see that some members get more appreciation threads than others. Is it a huge popularity contest? Or maybe it relies on who has it the worst in life?

Either way, I don’t take the cake. I’ve never been popular, not even once, in my whole life. Well, there was that time when I was taken to prom by a rather attractive boy that was the son of my mom’s coworker. They arranged the whole thing so I could have a nice prom experience I guess. We went as friends, because he was dating somebody at the time. I will always remember this one look given to me when one of a pair of twins, whom were always acting better than everybody else, saw me with him. It was one of the few moments I felt pure bliss. For the following week or so after the prom, I was constantly being asked who my “date” was, and how handsome he looked. I guess that was as close to popularity as I could get.

Normally nobody would bother to even give me the time of day, and I would spend lunchtime in the school’s library. If that wasn’t an option, I would sit in a stall in the lady’s room near the cafeteria and eat my lunch in there. Much like Lindsay Lohan’s character did in the movie, Mean Girls.

On the other side of the coin, my life hasn’t been exceptionally dreadful either. I wasn’t abused physically, sexually or mentally as far as I can tell, and I had a loving supportive family. My kid brother did get Acute Lymphatic Leukemia when he was 4-5 years old, and a chunk of my childhood was spent dealing with that, but overall, I was happy.

So, back to what I was saying about feeling underappreciated. I guess it really bubbled to the surface when I celebrated my birthday this past November (on the 20th) and saw that nobody really made me a birthday thread. I got upset, and maybe over reacted a tiny bit, and a mod went and made me one. I guess I felt that everybody else had a birthday thread made for them, but when it came to me, I was forgotten. Not a feeling anybody wants to experience.

I decided recently to try to engage myself a little more with other members, and be more….what was the word? Oh yeah, sociable. It was advised that if I do this, more people would tend to gravitate towards me and maybe care about me a little more. It could even lead to me making an online friend or two. Goodness knows I need those.

Okay, so maybe the last group of online friends I had weren’t the most understanding, and my experience with them wasn’t the greatest towards the end, so making new ones might have me wind up where I was with the old ones, but meh, I’ve got nothing to lose at this point, except maybe my sanity. I can’t be any more friendless than I am now, right? Wait….is this what they mean by thinking “positively”? I might do this a little more often. It’s not so bad.

Anyways, I’ve written enough, it seems, so I’m going to end my post here.

TTFN

Heartburn City and Other Musings

Filed under: Anxiety — Artchic528 at 12:43 am on Monday, December 21, 2015

I’ve got this awful acid reflux and heartburn that gets really bad at night, to the point of throwing up sometimes. I’ve recently read that having this increases one’s chance of getting esophageal cancer by 10% or thereabouts. Freaking out big time. Here’s the article in case anyone is reading this and is curious:

http://www.nbcnews.com/nightly-news/quick-freeze-saves-lives-preventing-one-fastest-growing-cancers-n482136

I’ve been known to make mountains out of molehills and to be a slight hypochondriac, so maybe I’m worrying over nothing. No use in doing that right? Fretting over nothing will only make you sicker. It also doesn’t help that I’m also a sufferer of anxiety disorder. Meh, let’s throw in clinical depression and a sprinkling of being introverted while we’re at it. What’s a few more things to worry over?

Oh, and before I forget, I ordered a new kind of Macro enhancing lens to help me get amazing up close macro shots with my Kodak point and shoot camera. It’s for my doll blog I’m going to start doing again. I had been doing it for a while, but lost interest for some reason. I can’t remember what that was though. My memory hasn’t been the greatest with Abilify. Short term seems to suffer the most, I’ve noticed.

If you’re reading this AND like dolls and doll reviews, have a look at (unashamed plug, I know) http://www.dollpop.blogspot.com. I’ve got some work to do, but it has a couple of entries in it as of now. Going to work on a logo for it that has an image of a doll silhouette. Good stuff, good stuff.

Welp, it’s late and my brain is zapping itself like a supercharged Tesla coil (Google it, you’ll see what I’m talking about). Might need to turn my thoughts towards taking my meds. Like I said, my memory sucks so I sometimes forget to do that in the morning. Ah, the wonderful world of being mentally healthy. Fun stuff.

TTFN

 

Welcome to my blog.

Filed under: Intro/Updates — Artchic528 at 9:58 am on Sunday, December 20, 2015

Just got the kinks worked out on how to get one started on here, so here goes. I’m making a blog to keep a public log of events that may help others and hopefully give them strength and comfort to keep on pushing and fight the good fight. I’m not really a professional at this, but then again, that’s the beauty of blogs. Anyone can have and keep one.

Anyways, I guess I’m pretty much done saying what I wanted to, so here ends my first entry.

TTFN