Bittersweet Heartsongs

My rants and raves about the World

Taking down my defensive walls.

Filed under: Depression/Anger,Healing/Therapy — Artchic528 at 7:37 pm on Thursday, March 17, 2016

I have long since associated social interactions with pain, misery and a sense of general uncomfortableness. Most people my age that I interacted with in my life have either shunned me, bullied me, or taken advantage of me in some way. I would always wind up with feelings of despair and of pain, which lead to feeling angry and aggressive. It’s these feelings that prompted me to start building a protective wall, a wall made of the aggression and anger I felt. If anyone would come across as a bully, or someone who’d take advantage of me, up went my walls. Out came the anger and aggression. If I kept these people at a distance, I wouldn’t feel the pain and despair anymore. This has been going on for so long that I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have these walls. It’s been equally as long that I haven’t really made any deep emotional connections with people and grew more and more isolated. I eventually felt like I was a tiny island in an ocean of emptiness. A very lonely feeling.

Well, this year, after I decided to make some serious changes, not only in my outlook on life, but my emotional wellbeing, I decided that those walls may need to come down, at least a little bit, if I’m to make any connections with people. Maybe through lowering my walls a little bit at a time, I could find a deep and meaningful connection with somebody, and maybe make a good friend and maybe┬áthat friendship could be one that lasts a lifetime.

Okay, so I know such friendships are rare, but I’m a rare soul myself. I don’t fall into any one mental illness diagnosis. I’m more a generally mentally ill individual with a bit of this, and hint of that. I’m not any one thing in the psychological sense. I’m a blend, a combination of things that results in who I am mentally. I know that a diagnosis doesn’t define who we are, but rather is a road map to help us find a way to heal and feel better mentally in this world. I just have a really big roadmap with a lot of roads on it.

Anyways. I am a work in progress, as we all are. So bear with me. I might slip up and raise those aggressive angry walls again, but it only means I’m feeling threatened, not that I hate you.

That’s all I have to say for now, so please take care!


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