Bittersweet Heartsongs

My rants and raves about the World

Overcoming my past to ensure a better future!

Filed under: Anxiety,Depression/Anger — Artchic528 at 2:36 am on Tuesday, March 22, 2016

So, yeah. If you’ve been following my posts on the forums at Psych Central, you’ve no doubt read about my delving into the dating scene again. I was constantly asking myself what I was missing from my past relationships, why intimacy felt more so like I was just going through the motions just to reach some form of self satisfaction, rather than the anything meaningful or deep. Somebody was kind enough to enlighten me that I lacked a deep emotional bond, which is where my previous post came into play and why I am now making the attempt to open up more fully.

You see, growing up, bullying was rather the norm for me. I grew used to be taunted, teased and ridiculed. I could sort of let the insults go after a while, but when I reached Middle School, something changed. My fellow classmate, a girl we shall call “Maddie”, at first seemed to try and befriend me, but later on, I realized, she had been starting rumors about me throughout the school. Nasty rumors, not just about me, mind you, but about my only two friends. Apparently, as the rumor goes, the rumors spread like wildfire. Everywhere I went at school, I’d hear snickering, whispers, and be asked about the rumors in a taunting, jeering way.

Now, I know that teenage girls can be downright vicious, but what she did went beyond anything she probably realized. You see, she had been claiming things I did with my friends, rather intimate things. She, of course, had said what she did out of the sheer shock value no doubt, but little did she know I had been undergoing an internal struggle, one I had dealt since I began to not only notice the boys in school in a romantic, more attractive sense, but girls as well. I felt the feelings I was developing about boys was “normal” but not so much the feelings about girls. I was so confused about why these feelings were bubbling up inside of me. At first I tried to quell them, squash them deep down inside of me, saying that they were “not normal”, or sick or disgusting and that I should be ashamed I was having them. So, when “Maddie” started that awful rumor, she had dealt a deeper, more scarring blow.

Thanks to my grandmother, I was made to be raised in Catholicism, so yeah, those sorts of feelings were immediately equated as “bad”. I grew depressed, introverted, and distant from my peers, hoping they wouldn’t catch wind of me having these thoughts and feelings and using them as further fodder for the fire. High School wasn’t any better. I grew so isolated, I eventually just either spent my lunch period in the school’s Library not eating, or when that wasn’t an option, I grabbed a bathroom stall and ate in there.

It wasn’t until much later, when I was in my mid twenties that I decided once and for all that I didn’t care how “wrong” or “disgusting” the thoughts and feelings were, I liked them and was going to embrace them. I was finally confident enough to admit to myself that I was bisexual. I haven’t come out to my family though, and probably never will unless I wind up dating a girl at somepoint. I guess there’s no real need to explain it until then.

So, now you know a little bit more about why I’m so emotionally distant, so seemingly apathetic sometimes. Why I might act out in an aggressive way when I feel threatened. I’m trying to overcome that, and feel that in doing so, I will become more able to connect fully with a romantic partner.

Well, that’s about all for now.

TTFN

Taking down my defensive walls.

Filed under: Depression/Anger,Healing/Therapy — Artchic528 at 7:37 pm on Thursday, March 17, 2016

I have long since associated social interactions with pain, misery and a sense of general uncomfortableness. Most people my age that I interacted with in my life have either shunned me, bullied me, or taken advantage of me in some way. I would always wind up with feelings of despair and of pain, which lead to feeling angry and aggressive. It’s these feelings that prompted me to start building a protective wall, a wall made of the aggression and anger I felt. If anyone would come across as a bully, or someone who’d take advantage of me, up went my walls. Out came the anger and aggression. If I kept these people at a distance, I wouldn’t feel the pain and despair anymore. This has been going on for so long that I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have these walls. It’s been equally as long that I haven’t really made any deep emotional connections with people and grew more and more isolated. I eventually felt like I was a tiny island in an ocean of emptiness. A very lonely feeling.

Well, this year, after I decided to make some serious changes, not only in my outlook on life, but my emotional wellbeing, I decided that those walls may need to come down, at least a little bit, if I’m to make any connections with people. Maybe through lowering my walls a little bit at a time, I could find a deep and meaningful connection with somebody, and maybe make a good friend and maybe that friendship could be one that lasts a lifetime.

Okay, so I know such friendships are rare, but I’m a rare soul myself. I don’t fall into any one mental illness diagnosis. I’m more a generally mentally ill individual with a bit of this, and hint of that. I’m not any one thing in the psychological sense. I’m a blend, a combination of things that results in who I am mentally. I know that a diagnosis doesn’t define who we are, but rather is a road map to help us find a way to heal and feel better mentally in this world. I just have a really big roadmap with a lot of roads on it.

Anyways. I am a work in progress, as we all are. So bear with me. I might slip up and raise those aggressive angry walls again, but it only means I’m feeling threatened, not that I hate you.

That’s all I have to say for now, so please take care!

TTFN!!

Feeling Underappreciated

Filed under: Depression/Anger — Artchic528 at 10:06 pm on Monday, December 21, 2015

Is it depression that makes me feel underappreciated? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am feeling it something fierce (as the native locals around where I live would say). I guess it stems from the fact that whenever I see an appreciation thread for somebody else, by a member on the forums, I get envious and angry that nobody has yet to do the same for me. I’ve been a part of this community for a little over a year and have come to see that some members get more appreciation threads than others. Is it a huge popularity contest? Or maybe it relies on who has it the worst in life?

Either way, I don’t take the cake. I’ve never been popular, not even once, in my whole life. Well, there was that time when I was taken to prom by a rather attractive boy that was the son of my mom’s coworker. They arranged the whole thing so I could have a nice prom experience I guess. We went as friends, because he was dating somebody at the time. I will always remember this one look given to me when one of a pair of twins, whom were always acting better than everybody else, saw me with him. It was one of the few moments I felt pure bliss. For the following week or so after the prom, I was constantly being asked who my “date” was, and how handsome he looked. I guess that was as close to popularity as I could get.

Normally nobody would bother to even give me the time of day, and I would spend lunchtime in the school’s library. If that wasn’t an option, I would sit in a stall in the lady’s room near the cafeteria and eat my lunch in there. Much like Lindsay Lohan’s character did in the movie, Mean Girls.

On the other side of the coin, my life hasn’t been exceptionally dreadful either. I wasn’t abused physically, sexually or mentally as far as I can tell, and I had a loving supportive family. My kid brother did get Acute Lymphatic Leukemia when he was 4-5 years old, and a chunk of my childhood was spent dealing with that, but overall, I was happy.

So, back to what I was saying about feeling underappreciated. I guess it really bubbled to the surface when I celebrated my birthday this past November (on the 20th) and saw that nobody really made me a birthday thread. I got upset, and maybe over reacted a tiny bit, and a mod went and made me one. I guess I felt that everybody else had a birthday thread made for them, but when it came to me, I was forgotten. Not a feeling anybody wants to experience.

I decided recently to try to engage myself a little more with other members, and be more….what was the word? Oh yeah, sociable. It was advised that if I do this, more people would tend to gravitate towards me and maybe care about me a little more. It could even lead to me making an online friend or two. Goodness knows I need those.

Okay, so maybe the last group of online friends I had weren’t the most understanding, and my experience with them wasn’t the greatest towards the end, so making new ones might have me wind up where I was with the old ones, but meh, I’ve got nothing to lose at this point, except maybe my sanity. I can’t be any more friendless than I am now, right? Wait….is this what they mean by thinking “positively”? I might do this a little more often. It’s not so bad.

Anyways, I’ve written enough, it seems, so I’m going to end my post here.

TTFN