Bittersweet Heartsongs

My rants and raves about the World

Taking down my defensive walls.

Filed under: Depression/Anger,Healing/Therapy — Artchic528 at 7:37 pm on Thursday, March 17, 2016

I have long since associated social interactions with pain, misery and a sense of general uncomfortableness. Most people my age that I interacted with in my life have either shunned me, bullied me, or taken advantage of me in some way. I would always wind up with feelings of despair and of pain, which lead to feeling angry and aggressive. It’s these feelings that prompted me to start building a protective wall, a wall made of the aggression and anger I felt. If anyone would come across as a bully, or someone who’d take advantage of me, up went my walls. Out came the anger and aggression. If I kept these people at a distance, I wouldn’t feel the pain and despair anymore. This has been going on for so long that I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have these walls. It’s been equally as long that I haven’t really made any deep emotional connections with people and grew more and more isolated. I eventually felt like I was a tiny island in an ocean of emptiness. A very lonely feeling.

Well, this year, after I decided to make some serious changes, not only in my outlook on life, but my emotional wellbeing, I decided that those walls may need to come down, at least a little bit, if I’m to make any connections with people. Maybe through lowering my walls a little bit at a time, I could find a deep and meaningful connection with somebody, and maybe make a good friend and maybe that friendship could be one that lasts a lifetime.

Okay, so I know such friendships are rare, but I’m a rare soul myself. I don’t fall into any one mental illness diagnosis. I’m more a generally mentally ill individual with a bit of this, and hint of that. I’m not any one thing in the psychological sense. I’m a blend, a combination of things that results in who I am mentally. I know that a diagnosis doesn’t define who we are, but rather is a road map to help us find a way to heal and feel better mentally in this world. I just have a really big roadmap with a lot of roads on it.

Anyways. I am a work in progress, as we all are. So bear with me. I might slip up and raise those aggressive angry walls again, but it only means I’m feeling threatened, not that I hate you.

That’s all I have to say for now, so please take care!


Let It Go!!

Filed under: Healing/Therapy — Artchic528 at 11:04 pm on Thursday, February 11, 2016

Okay, so maybe that song is vastly overplayed, overused, and overcovered. However, it’s the title that I want to use in this post, as it’s about letting go of pain and such from your past that is holding you back from being a happy and healthy person.

It’s no secret that I’ve had my share of pain. To give a brief summary, I met a guy on another forum, which shall remain unnamed, and fell hard for him. He flirted with me, I flirted with him and soon we were exchanging our FB info. Anyways, long story short, I developed an unhealthy obsession over him, he got freaked and distanced himself from me, and I freaked out and wound up severely depressed. There’s also a sub-story about the group of friends we shared all getting hurt and stuff, but let’s not get into specifics.

Well, I held onto that pain, victimizing myself to such an extent that I was deeply ruminating and overanalyzing the events. I felt so much pain that I kept myself up at night doing that. I finally talked to a psychiatrist about it and they prescribed me a low dose of Melatonin. It helped, but didn’t really fix the situation completely.

It wasn’t until today that I found a link posted on the forums to an article written by DocJohn about letting go, Learning to Let Go of Past Hurts: 5 Ways to Move On. This article helped me tremendously with letting go. I was sort of skeptical it could help, but when I came to the last step, which is about forgiveness, and forgave those people, I felt such a sense of peace!! I can’t explain it. I feel….closure, for the first time! I have a very stubborn streak, and had so stubbornly denied myself this experience for so long that I almost forgot what it was like to feel this way. If you too have a hard time letting something from your past go, due to the amount of pain you feel regarding it, I highly recommend you check that article out for yourself. Follow the steps completely. I used a journal to help me through each step, writing out how I felt and experienced. It was so cathartic I can’t even begin to describe it. Please, don’t begrudgingly hold onto your pain anymore. Heal yourself and move on. It’s so worth it, I promise.

Well, that’s all I want to share with you for now.